The two most
important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention
of the wheel. Beer
required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer
and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing
animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning
of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were less skilled at hunting
(called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter')
learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and
doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of
the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men “evolved” into
women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the
meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like special flavored beer
(with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,
tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than
their men.
Most college professors, social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group
therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our
national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair
to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat
red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of
the military, gun owners, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers,
corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They
like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is
why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to
America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world
history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to this post.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared
immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.
And there you have it. Let your next
action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some
steaks! Right after I forward this message.
3 comments:
Make mine a BUD!
Some leading edge anthropologists have established that beer was invented independently by conservatives in several different regions at approximately the same time. More interestingly, at least one such tribe also invented the barrel coincidentally. Their genius thus solved both the container problem and the transportation problem with a single breakthrough idea of the barrel.
In turn, these loutish beer guzzlers rapidly developed a choral ritual called “Roll Out the Barrel,” totally indifferent to the sensitivities of the liberals. These dismal libtards had to endure repeatedly the demoralizing refrain “we’ll have a barrel of FUN.” Yes, these unruly conservatives were imposing their churlish merriment on their sophisticated betters, whose sensitivities were naturally exacerbated by people merely enjoying life. How could these conservatives ignore all the attendant suffering alleged by these self-proclaimed VICTIMS?
Reflexively then, the liberals enacted a beer tax, for anyone having fun, especially in an overt and shameless way, ought to be penalized. At least that was the rationale of the self-righteous liberal elitists. In retrospect, the same anthropologists suggest that this whole episode may have been the first instance of unintended consequences: the beneficial invention of the barrel triggering the first sin tax. To this day, moreover, the bane of unintended consequences remains the centerpiece of the oblivious All-knowing State. This legacy should be great consolation to the liberal elitists, whose “enlightened” vision is that of the equitable distribution of misery.
Alas, it would seem that all the faint of heart can do about this situation is to cry in their beer. But that is NOT the conservative outlook or response. Instead, they nevertheless maintain constructive initiatives and pursue truly viable/beneficial innovations. And when happy hour arrives, they just figuratively roll out the barrel!
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