By Kurt Schlichter Townhall
I
want my vote back, Mitt. Give me back my vote.
In 2012, I voted for this insufferable
establishment icon, this inept goof who the Democrats wish every Republican
would emulate. Some nights, I wake up sweating and screaming when I relive it
in my nightmares. I should have taken my ballot, lit it on fire and flushed it
down the Schiffhole.
But Romney does serve a purpose, as hard as that
is to see through his pathetic antics. His perpetual groveling for approval –
including, hilariously, from Donald Trump himself who just broke him right in
front of our eyes over the Secretary of State gig – is so shameful and
cringe-iliciously embarrassing that it obscures the vital role this shiny
doofus can play for conservatism.
He’s a perfect conservative cautionary
example.
This is
Mitt.
Mitt’s a
loser.
Don’t be like
Mitt.
Let’s review the storied resume of Willard “Mitt”
Romney as a way to understand exactly why he is political strychnine to the
conservative movement. If a council of learned scholars sought to create the
most utterly hateable, totally unrelatable caricature of what a Republican is,
their final product would be this Jeb!-like golem.
Mitt started off the son of a rich guy, which is
fine, but he did not go to Vietnam because he was in France on a mission for
the Mormon church. His being a Mormon is literally the only good thing about
him. His being healthy and not going to ‘Nam, even as today he talks a big game
about staying in Syria forever because…well, because it would never occur to
Mitt to take a position the folks at the country club don’t share, is a bad
look.
I sort of hate the whole “chickenhawk” thing.
Every citizen has a right to opine on the question of war and peace, DD 214 or
no. There are lots of good reasons people have for not serving, and my own
service was pretty much just showing up, but it’s super hard to take our ruling
caste – of which Mitt is a charter member – writing checks that get cashed in
our kids’ blood when they have no kin in the game. That’s especially true when
out of Mitt’s 47 spawn, we will never see his sons Tagg, Tugg, Zippy, Miff,
Mork, Dingus, Tugg II, or Spork rucking-up to head over to Northern Syria to
fight Turkey over this esoteric border dispute.
The same day he was on the Senate floor fronting
about “honor” and “betrayal” there was a civil war breaking out in Mexico, yet
Mitt couldn’t spare a second to fight to secure our own border. Every
year, our open border literally kills thousands of Americans, via criminals and
fentanyl. That’s
what we’re interested in, not refereeing between tribes on the other side of
the globe. But the folks who really matter to
Mitt, his fat cat elite pals, decreed that we just have to accept the open
borders butcher’s bill because they need the serf labor and new voters, so
Mitt’s right there championing the Kurds instead of you and your family.
I oppose Turkey and generally like the Kurds, but
I like Americans better, and so should our Republican politicians.
Beyond his class solidarity, Mitt’s loyalty is to
Mitt and the glory that he believes should come from his blazing Mittness. He
started in Michigan, then was governor in Massachusetts, then ran for
president, then thought about running for Senate from New Hampshire, then moved
to rich guy central in La Jolla, then ran for Senate in Utah. He’s the
establishment equivalent of the cheesy strippers who you see on Southwest
flights from LAX to Vegas every Friday night, with little carry-bags for their
g-strings. Except they have the self-respect that comes with knowing they
didn’t earn their dollars shipping American jobs to Szechuan.
His political loyalty is similarly tightly
focused through the lens of Mitt. This is the guy who imposed the precursor of
Obamacare on Massachusetts, which, in fairness, deserved it. He pretended to be
conservative when he was trying to get us to elect him president and now, when
we actually have a conservative Republican president doing conservative things,
he’s siding with the Democrats because that Republican president is not him.
Of course, Mitt will vote to convict when the
impeachment idiocy heads over to the Senate. He couldn’t pass up the pats on
his impeccably coiffed head that would come from the very same liberal
establishment that pummeled him as a cancer-causing, dog torturing bigot. Of
course, this claim was unfair – he probably never caused cancer. But that whole dog on the roof thing was super weird, and I
can’t forget the utter lack of character he showed by firing the great (now
Ambassador) Ric Grenell from his campaign when some people realized Ric was
gay. Mitt tossed a friend away because he was scared that his friend would be a
liability – what do you think he would do to us Normals and our interests the
second the elite put pressure on him?
Well, we know. He’s doing it right now. He’s John
Kasich with a job and a dad who was most definitely not a postman.
It’s his weakness that really grates, the
pseudo-gentlemanly submissiveness to the abuse of the elite we saw for far too
long among our alleged True Conservative™ betters. We’ve learned that “being
the bigger man” and not fighting back were not some sort of higher principle
being put into action but were, rather, the manifestation of the weakness
inherent in the conservatives of the cruise ship class. Candy Crowley
humiliated him in front of the entire country and he just took it. Well, we’re
sick of just taking it. He and his human puffball ilk are why we said “Ahoy” to
Donald Trump.
This is what makes Mitt mad – not the
depredations of the left but his rejection by the people like us, who he sucked
up to in 2008 and 2012, after it became obvious what a fraud he is.
Hey Mitt, I want my vote back.
With marshmallow geniuses like Mitt Romney in
charge, it’d just be a matter of time before my action-packed yet hilarious
novels of America torn apart by liberal malice, People's Republic, Indian Country and Wildfire (Number IV, Collapse, is done
and drops in November) came true! The Romney cheering section at The
Bulwark,
whatever that is, call my books “appalling,” so you’ll want to check them out!
Recommended
from Townhall
No comments:
Post a Comment